Heading for Divorce – How Your Spouse Hid Their True Self So Well
How did (s)he keep his true self so well hidden? The answer is usually pretty simple – they had an accomplice – you!
After a discovery or enlightenment, people often ask themselves, “How did I not see it all?” Well, I tell my clients that marriage is a funny thing - funny peculiar not funny “ha-ha” of course. It’s part of human nature (for many of us anyway) to work very hard maintaining a reality for ourselves that just doesn't fit the facts (or the evidence).
During the course of a marriage, many of us "see" things quite differently from the way they really are – all in an effort to fit the relationship into the mold of our desired reality.
Separation and divorce can be a shocking unmasking of some of these realities for many people.
I have heard many clients say things such as; “He or she is such a different person than I thought he/she was.” Or “I had no idea he/she was capable of such things.” Or “I had no idea he/she thought or believed such things.” Or “He/she is not the person I married.”
While there are plenty of secrets that are well protected, in many cases, part of the reason people come to these realizations during the course of a divorce is because they were simply human – they held their eyes tightly closed to the truth, and might not have even realized they were doing it. Something seems slightly off, but instead of confronting it, it’s just easier to let it slide.
Of course, this isn’t the only reason revelations occur during the process of a divorce. People are pretty good at deception, and it’s all too common that a spouse leads more than one life. Sometimes it’s in simple but meaningful ways, and in others it’s devastatingly shocking. The person they see, and the life led at home is not necessarily the totality or even the true personality of the person they’re married to.
If you’re reading this and not in the process of divorce, don’t despair yet. As with so many difficulties in marriage, the solution is communication. Ask that question that’s been nagging you. Start a conversation about the elephant in the room, and you might be able to successfully recover and navigate a turn in the river of life before you hit the rapids.
Of course, if the revelation has already occurred, and it’s too late to save the relationship, believe it or not, communication is still going to be important moving forward. Acknowledging that there’s the potential that even the slightest self-deception might have made you an accomplice can help you move forward with the divorce process. Asking and answering questions can be a painful part of divorce, but something that must be endured to reach a new beginning for both parties.